Oh no, I don't think we need to go back to the last topic you mentioned, December. That one's been covered. ^^December wrote:So where were we? Let's see: topics currently on the table include: Edward's ongoing ambivalence and/or self-deception; What he is and isn't telling himself and Bella (and why); Whether the risk to Bella's soul still seriously weighs on Edward; Just how much Bella will and wont be losing if she becomes a vampire. Oh, and of course -- if anyone wants to touch this one -- What difference it makes to the story if Bella's change is forced (but not unless you read those 40 inches first. No one wants me to have to come back and say it all over again...!).
Edward's mentality is completely, 100% stuck between a rock and a hard place.December wrote: Yes indeed. To say that Edward is ambivalent is the understatement of the year. He is so spectacularly of two minds about loving Bella, and and what loving him will mean for her, that it's a wonder he is still a single functioning personality at all (don't answer that!). On reflection, I can see that Indi was right to see a connection between what Edward isn't telling Bella and what isn't admitting to himself. Yes, it is a conscious decision on his part to shield her from the disagreeable realities of vampire existence; but I imagine that a part of Edward shies away from thinking too much himself about the very things he is keeping from Bella -- because if he didn't how could he live with himself, knowing that she will have to face them for him? He loves her so desperately and would go to the ends of the earth to keep her from harm, and the reality is that becoming a vampire is going to hurt her vilely: more than anything else he could do to her. To look steadily at what a monstrous fate this is for her -- and at the same time accept that this is what he wants (or at least inseparable from what he wants) -- is a near psychological impossibility. At the same time, it is what he wants, passionately. I can't imagine that the thought of his own death motivates him at all -- a nice conversational gambit, Sasha, but surely this gets it the wrong way round? But yes the thought of losing Bella is simply appalling to him. Almost as appalling as the thought of keeping her, and what that will do to her. You see? Complete psychological impasse.
If having Bella in his life didn't bring him so much joy, he would have been so much better off if he had never met her. I can't imagine how much his choice must torture him!
I think, though, he was fighting a losing battle all along. I completely agree with December when she intuitively noticed the poignancy of that one word Edward said in Twilight: "Bella." That specific moment is the true deciding factor.
I like to keep going back to the theory of several voices in Edward's head. (Pardon the pun) He has the tiny little voice that tries to persuade him that he isn't doomed, he has the vampiric demons that swarm his consciousness, he has his rational, selfless thoughts, and his 17 year old desires.
His rational side lost the fight with his 17 year old side in that moment in Twilight. Oh, his demons did combine with his rational side to gang up on his 17 year old side, while they quietly snuffed out the little voice in New Moon, but the 17 year old side was his strongest--he surrendered his true, internal will to it in Twilight. (Wow...this paragraph sounds very odd reading it a second time. ^^)
Ok, next topic: Why Edward won't admit some of his monsters to himself.
Actually, I'm just reiterating a lot of what December said here. It is probably physically impossible for him to dwell on his darkest demons for fear that they will consume him entirely. If he dwelled on them for too long, he'd never be able to function. He may hate his demons, but more than anything, he fears that what they tell him is actually right. Again, the rational side combines with the demon side to convince him he's a monster, and therefore the "little voice," while deeply rooted in his soul, gets ignored.
The reason the demons don't obliterate the little voice is because--again, this is a subconscious function-- Edward desperately clings to the little voice. His rational and demon sides often win his battles, but he holds onto the little voice for the fear that the demons will win the war.
My my, Edward's mind is a quad-polar complex! I swear!